Thursday, June 23, 2011

Hard Habit to Break....

Four years, two months, two weeks ago I met the man that would change me forever. He was not the first man I ever loved, nor will he be the last. We loved hard, fought even harder. Until I met him I had never loved another person so wholeheartedly and unconditionally. There were no secrets, nothing held back. There are days I miss him so much I can't breathe. I know that finally getting him out of my life was the best thing I could do for myself, but it has been a battle. I can't fix the parts of him that are broken. I can love him with all my heart, but I can never change him. And I honestly don't think he will ever change. He will be 40 in a few months. The one thing I hope for him is that he realizes there is a reason why women leave him, that he can't take people for granted in his life. He has to reconcile his issues within himself. I was his security blanket for too damn long, and I had to stop being there to pick up the pieces. So I survived, my heart a little worse for the wear. I feel more at peace than I have in a very long time. I had to put an end to him popping back up and trying to charm his way back into my life. He can't get to me anymore!!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Sad Auntie

I am still really sad that I will not get to spend a week with my kids, my kids being my neice and nephews. They get out of school ridiculously late and start summer school the Monday after they get out. My sister said I could still come for the week before they start summer school but they will be in school, and then my sister and brother in law would be there. Plus the boys still have baseball through the end of June. So why would I want to go spend a week over there and then barely get to spend any time with the kids? Sure I could have the chiweenie to sleep on me all day while the kids are in school, but it's not really worth it. I will see them Father's Day weekend. And then for a week in August before they go back to school. Hopefully. If things don't change between now and then.
On another note, my uncle's oncologist is not scheduling him for surgery until the end of June. He was diagnosed over a month ago with colon cancer. So my aunt is trying to see who can get him in and remove the tumor ASAP. Plus I also found out my cousin's wife had thyroid cancer and had her thyroid removed. But she did not have to have any chemo or radiation. So bizarre. Plus my dad will probably be having his rotator cuff surgery in July or August.
So I am in a very blah mood. Very pissy. I just want to cry. I am tired. My back hurts. Yeah. I am just not a happy camper right now. Tomorrow I am going to go shopping with my mom again. I want to go get honey at the Farmer's Market. And I need new pillows and a new mattress pad cover but I cannot find one that I like, like the one I found in SLO.
My lymph nodes on my left side in my armpit and down my side are all swollen and tender. So today had just not been a good day.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The need to write

I have been wanting to get back to writing here I go! Baby steps! But at least I am going to be making an effort to get my feelings out there instead of holding them in.

Monday, September 28, 2009

A Letter to My Grandma Goldie

Oh how I miss you. I never thought missing you would hurt this bad, after this long. You impacted my life in so many ways that I never knew until you were gone. And although I know you were more than ready to go, I wasn't ready to let you go. And I will never get over your passing away while I was out of town. I never got to say my goodbye. Not my final goodbye. And I honestly think that when you died was when I started hating goodbyes. I never like to say goodbye because I never know if it might be my last goodbye.
Whenever I do things that I know would drive you crazy, I see you and I hear you in my head. You would be having a fit over my relationship with F%$CKER. But then again, if you were still here I would probably never had gotten involved with him? Ingrained in my head is what you told me hundreds of times as a kid. I have always been boy crazy, since the day I was born. And what did you always tell me? You always told me that I was the SMART one of the grandkids, and that I did not need a man in my life to make me who I was, and never to play dumb to be with any man. I always took that to heart and for a long time I knew that. In my heart, in my head...and I lived by that. But somehow when you died I got a little lost. It all kind of fell apart and I did not have my Oracle to turn to. You were the one person I told everything, that I did not have any secrets from. I just wonder what exactly what you would say today if we met. I do think you still visit me in the dreams I have about you. And I have your most prized possesion, your engagement ring. To me that says it all about our connection. You wore that ring until the day you died, the gold is so thin and the diamond chip barely visible, but that ring never left your finger. And I know you divorced my grandfather before he died. But the relationship the two of you had, will forever and always be in your heart and just between the two of you. Had you not been given the ultimatum, you would not have divorced him. I think my mother has finally made peace with her father. In some way. I remember when I was twelve and asked her why she never talked about him, she said he was a mean son of a bitch and if I wanted to know anything about him to ask you. And I did. And who did she marry.......she married her father. But Grandma although you and my Dad butted horns, if you could see him today you would be shocked. He has mellowed out. Beyond belief. I never thought I would see that.
So you left me Grandma. And a little over a year after you left me, I lost my ability to have children. October 8th. And on the one year anniversary of my ablation, my youngest nephew was born. I really wish you could have been here for the kids. You would have gotten a kick out of them. All three of them. Part of me wonders if the reason why I took your passing so hard was because I was still grieving over you when I had the ablation, and I will grieve about that until the day I die, and then little Punkin Pie was born and I feel like I didn't really have my final goodbye. And I never will.
Yes I know how much you hated pomp and circumstance. You would hate that I still miss you this much. But I just can't help it. I love you and I miss you and I can't help that. If you were here today we would probably be going from doctor to doctor until I was "taken" care of. I was battling endometriosis when you were battling cancer. You wanted me to have a hysterectomy to have it all done and over with but I wouldn't then and I won't now!!
So have I said all I need to say? No, and I never will!! Because I am still alive and every day is a new adventure or a new battle depending on the day. So I am going to finish this letter now. Just know how much I miss you and love you. You will always be in my heart, and in my head.
Elizabeth Anne

Friday, September 25, 2009

Is what might have been just too hard to forget?

There is a song by Jason Aldean off his Relentless album, that will always remind me of my ex. The song is called Do You Wish It Was Me. This song to this day brings me to tears. It just fits he and I. The lyrics just fit. Part of that is because I thought I would ALWAYS wish it was him. And I have spent 2 1/2 years wishing it was him. But in the last two months or so, that has all changed. I will always love him, more than any man I have ever loved but I don't wish it was him. I know he is bad for me. There are many reasons why. A former friend of mine put it best, she said that some people are just bad at their core, and she believed he was one of them, that he would never love another person beside himself. And I totally agree with that.And now I find it hilarious, no not the right word....I am not sure what the word is....that he has been having a fit to get me to spend time with him. Before I got to this place, I would have jumped at the chance to spend time with him but not anymore. Because I no longer wish it was him. And what might have been is forgotten, at least on my part.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


My poor little brain was on overdrive today...still is!! I talked to my first love today, the one I really thought that someday I would marry. But he married almost 2 years ago, and it wasn't me!! But he wanted me at his wedding AND had a fit when I wanted to bring a I obviously did not go....he said his future wife really wanted to meet me after all that he and I had been through. Yeah, I would not want my soon to be husband's ex-anything at MY wedding?!
Anyway, thought about how he and I would just lie in his bed and talk about everything and anything.....I miss that.
And still surprised that I have not heard from F%$#er lately. Who knew all it took was a few vicious threats from an OK girl?? :-)
Trying to finagle another Eli Young Band concert. Don't know if it will happen, or have to wait? I don't want to wait of course!! That's not me! Only time will tell.....Fingers and Toes crossed!!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Lots to think about today

Today has been rough. This is so not the life I wanted or ever expected. I wanted to be happy, and married, and most of all I wanted to be a mom. Only one is possible now. There are things that make me happy. But I will never get married and I cannot be a mom. Today is one of those days that I just do not understand why.....I already have endometriosis.......isn't that enough? Guess not because then came the PCOS, the chronic back pain caused by the degenerative disk in my back, and the came fibromyalgia. I guess today is just a pity party. It is really hard to have faith on days like these. I am 34, and is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Cause this past year has been hard enough...not sure I can take anymore. I am grateful for the friends I have found on Twitter who can relate....but it is still difficult when most of my friends and family locally cannot relate. And they never will. And THEN someone has been on my mind a lot today. Good old F$##er. There are some days that I just want to break down and call him because his stupid sense of humor would make me laugh. And he would at least hold me. And for a little while it would be like the old times and everything would be all right. Everyone knows how much I love the Eli Young Band! There is a song off their first independent album called "Back of My Mind". That is THE song for him and I. I just bawl when I listen to it because it so fits. I know he is so bad for me, but then I also know that he knows me. That he REALLY knows me, more than any other man I have dated. I wanted to marry this one. And I have always been his security blanket, whenever there is some trauma in his life who does he turn to? Like why he is so horrible to me I don't know. I think the fact that I am the ONLY person who has ever loved him and accepted him unconditionally scares the hell out of him. And that is why he has to hurt me, and I walk away and then he drags me back and it is a vicious cycle. I told him I was done for good this time. Wished him a good life. And I hope that this time he will let me go, most of my friends doubt it but I hope he does, cause it gets harder and harder to fight him and fight everything going wrong with my body at the same time.