Monday, September 28, 2009

A Letter to My Grandma Goldie

Oh how I miss you. I never thought missing you would hurt this bad, after this long. You impacted my life in so many ways that I never knew until you were gone. And although I know you were more than ready to go, I wasn't ready to let you go. And I will never get over your passing away while I was out of town. I never got to say my goodbye. Not my final goodbye. And I honestly think that when you died was when I started hating goodbyes. I never like to say goodbye because I never know if it might be my last goodbye.
Whenever I do things that I know would drive you crazy, I see you and I hear you in my head. You would be having a fit over my relationship with F%$CKER. But then again, if you were still here I would probably never had gotten involved with him? Ingrained in my head is what you told me hundreds of times as a kid. I have always been boy crazy, since the day I was born. And what did you always tell me? You always told me that I was the SMART one of the grandkids, and that I did not need a man in my life to make me who I was, and never to play dumb to be with any man. I always took that to heart and for a long time I knew that. In my heart, in my head...and I lived by that. But somehow when you died I got a little lost. It all kind of fell apart and I did not have my Oracle to turn to. You were the one person I told everything, that I did not have any secrets from. I just wonder what exactly what you would say today if we met. I do think you still visit me in the dreams I have about you. And I have your most prized possesion, your engagement ring. To me that says it all about our connection. You wore that ring until the day you died, the gold is so thin and the diamond chip barely visible, but that ring never left your finger. And I know you divorced my grandfather before he died. But the relationship the two of you had, will forever and always be in your heart and just between the two of you. Had you not been given the ultimatum, you would not have divorced him. I think my mother has finally made peace with her father. In some way. I remember when I was twelve and asked her why she never talked about him, she said he was a mean son of a bitch and if I wanted to know anything about him to ask you. And I did. And who did she marry.......she married her father. But Grandma although you and my Dad butted horns, if you could see him today you would be shocked. He has mellowed out. Beyond belief. I never thought I would see that.
So you left me Grandma. And a little over a year after you left me, I lost my ability to have children. October 8th. And on the one year anniversary of my ablation, my youngest nephew was born. I really wish you could have been here for the kids. You would have gotten a kick out of them. All three of them. Part of me wonders if the reason why I took your passing so hard was because I was still grieving over you when I had the ablation, and I will grieve about that until the day I die, and then little Punkin Pie was born and I feel like I didn't really have my final goodbye. And I never will.
Yes I know how much you hated pomp and circumstance. You would hate that I still miss you this much. But I just can't help it. I love you and I miss you and I can't help that. If you were here today we would probably be going from doctor to doctor until I was "taken" care of. I was battling endometriosis when you were battling cancer. You wanted me to have a hysterectomy to have it all done and over with but I wouldn't then and I won't now!!
So have I said all I need to say? No, and I never will!! Because I am still alive and every day is a new adventure or a new battle depending on the day. So I am going to finish this letter now. Just know how much I miss you and love you. You will always be in my heart, and in my head.
Elizabeth Anne

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