Lots to think about today

Today has been rough. This is so not the life I wanted or ever expected. I wanted to be happy, and married, and most of all I wanted to be a mom. Only one is possible now. There are things that make me happy. But I will never get married and I cannot be a mom. Today is one of those days that I just do not understand why.....I already have endometriosis.......isn't that enough? Guess not because then came the PCOS, the chronic back pain caused by the degenerative disk in my back, and the came fibromyalgia. I guess today is just a pity party. It is really hard to have faith on days like these. I am 34, and is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Cause this past year has been hard enough...not sure I can take anymore. I am grateful for the friends I have found on Twitter who can relate....but it is still difficult when most of my friends and family locally cannot relate. And they never will. And THEN someone has been on my mind a lot today. Good old F$##er. There are some days that I just want to break down and call him because his stupid sense of humor would make me laugh. And he would at least hold me. And for a little while it would be like the old times and everything would be all right. Everyone knows how much I love the Eli Young Band! There is a song off their first independent album called "Back of My Mind". That is THE song for him and I. I just bawl when I listen to it because it so fits. I know he is so bad for me, but then I also know that he knows me. That he REALLY knows me, more than any other man I have dated. I wanted to marry this one. And I have always been his security blanket, whenever there is some trauma in his life who does he turn to? Like clockwork.......so why he is so horrible to me I don't know. I think the fact that I am the ONLY person who has ever loved him and accepted him unconditionally scares the hell out of him. And that is why he has to hurt me, and I walk away and then he drags me back and it is a vicious cycle. I told him I was done for good this time. Wished him a good life. And I hope that this time he will let me go, most of my friends doubt it but I hope he does, cause it gets harder and harder to fight him and fight everything going wrong with my body at the same time.